By: Casey Holtz, PhD, Child and Family Specialist
Parents often dread telling their children about family changes such as divorce or separation. Many parents fear how upsetting the discussion will be for their children and ultimately do not want to hurt their children. It is important, however, for parents to let children know what is coming before it happens. It is also essential that children hear it from their parents.
Here are a few of the important things to consider as you decide how to manage this challenging situation.
What to Remember During the Talk
- Take a deep breath and remember this is just one moment in time and that how you treat each other and your children in the months and years to come are much more important than the discussion itself.
- Work together. Children learn this information best if both of their parents are a part of the discussion. It is an opportunity to demonstrate to them that this does not mean their family is ending.
- Keep it simple. Children can only hold their attention for so long and you may not teach them what you want them to know if you make it too wordy. Try to follow a simple template of:
- 1. Telling them you love them.
- 2. Explaining what is happening (divorce/separation) in age-appropriate terms.
- 3. Explaining what it means for them (what will change, what will not change).
- 4. Letting them know that while you are no longer going to be married, you are all still a family.
- Do not place blame. If any information about “why” the separation is occurring, it should be balanced, age-appropriate, and demonstrate a shared responsibility. Taking sides or being a rope in an emotional tug of war is not healthy for children.
- Tell them you love them and that this is a decision made by the parents about their relationship. This is not because of anything they have done or not done. It is very important they know that love for children does not change even though marital love can.
- Let them feel whatever they need to feel. Be available and give them space or spend time with them to help them as they process this new information. Try to avoid putting your feelings on them or avoid telling them what they should feel. This is an ongoing process.
- You can show emotion, but be careful not to put out so much emotion that your children begin to feel responsible to help you feel better. You are human, but be careful to also remain the adult and be emotionally available to support them.
- Do not make promises that may not be kept as a way to decrease their emotion. It is difficult to see children sad, but it is even worse for them to hear what they want to hear and be disappointed later.
Reach Out for More Help
If you would like more input or planning about telling your children, how to co-parent, or discuss options for restructuring your family and creating a parenting plan, consider reaching out to a child specialist or family therapist in your area. You may also contact Family Mediation Center for more information about divorce mediation to jointly navigate the legal process.
Casey A. Holtz, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist and Child Specialist
drholtz@caseyholtzphd.com
414-810-7647
www.caseyholtzphd.com