How to Bring Up Divorce to Your Spouse

You may be thinking about or already decided upon a divorce.  If you have not had discussions with your spouse, this can be a difficult first step.  

Your initial conversations can set the tone for the entire divorce process and impact every aspect of your family’s future. Taking this first step effectively may help reduce conflict and cost as you navigate the legal steps needed for a divorce.

Here are tips from our family mediators at the Family Mediation Center to help you create the best foundation possible for next steps.

Consider Getting Professional Help

Joint counseling can be a safe and neutral place to initiate the conversation and weigh your options. A therapist with a marriage discernment approach can help both of you speak openly to determine whether divorce is the only option and whether a joint approach is possible. It is also helpful to get an understanding of the legal process by consulting a lawyer.  FMC lawyer mediators offer a no-charge initial phone consultation.  Consulting with a FMC child specialist may also help keep the focus on your children from the outset.​

Thoughtfully Plan Details of When, Where, and What to Say in Advance

It is best to avoid bringing up separation or divorce in anger or when your children are present.  You must also consider any safety concerns as you think about how and where to initiate the conversation. 

Be clear and honest about how you feel and why you want a divorce. This does not mean a litany of reasons you blame your spouse since that is just likely to trigger a defensive and angry response. Debating who is at fault is not a helpful starting place to move forward.

Though you may think your spouse is aware or should have seen this coming, understand your decision may come as a surprise. You can’t control your spouse, but you can control your own words and reactions. You may need to listen to your spouse’s different perspective and feelings at the outset.  Your spouse may need time to adjust and process emotions and thoughts that are different than yours which may mean taking a break and returning to the conversation another day.  You may also want to reconsider joint counseling.

Get Educated About Your Legal Process Options

Family Mediation Center lawyer mediators will explain your options during the free initial call so you can decide how you want to proceed and whether to make any process suggestions for your spouse to consider. Your process choice will have a profound impact on both the legal process and the outcome of your divorce. You should carefully consider your options. You may want to suggest meeting together with a mediator at the outset to get neutral input about ways to restructure your family and your finances. ​Sharing your goal of avoiding a high conflict, high cost divorce may help allay some of the fears and upset that can come with the prospect of divorce.

In summary: It is important for you to consider your plan for a divorce conversation in advance. Thoughtful planning can help support a more reasonable and respectful conversation that gives you and your family the best prospects for a healthy future.
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Contact Family Mediation Center today to schedule a free initial phone call with one of our experienced lawyer mediators who can answer your questions and help you weigh options for next steps. For more information to help you make a decision that is right for you and your family,
call (414) 939-6707 or fill out a contact form.